The MJ Files

pasty:

The FBI released a bunch of redacted documents from their epic (no pun intended … for all six of you who knew that is also his record label) Michael Jackson files, dating back to 1992. Clearly I’m bored, so I’m reading through them. All.

First off, the FBI is either really good at redacting documents or at making everything they touch negative-jazz hands. There’s so much missing information, it’s hard to follow. It’s like someone getting up to go to the bathroom during “Momento” 15 times.

Also making things difficult to comb through this crap, the poorest penmanship I have ever seen. Ever. Given the fact that so much of what these people do involves field notes and handwritten documents, wouldn’t you think that they’d be boasting the most legible scribe you’ve had the pleasure of feasting your eyes on since your second grade teacher’s cursive class? Think again.

The two people whose handwriting you actually can read were (amusingly enough) writing to each other, believe it or not. And one actually drew a smiley face after her initials … on a child molestation file. Yay!

One of the more ridiculous parts of the whole thing is the first set of files (196 pages) from 1992-1993 when he was part of an extortion attempt by some psychopants who threatened to kill MJ at a concert (he was on the Dangerous World Tour at the time), and George H. W. Bush unless he got some loot. (I have no idea of the connective thread there, either.) The most interesting parts are as follows:

• Homeslice begins every letter with the greeting, “Dear [So and So], I hope you receive this letter in good health and in good spirits,” and the goes on to say that he’d like to assassinate world leaders and pop stars. He signs off with, “Sincerely; with love.”
• Six letters deep into the threatening process, he turns these missives into journal entries: “Aside from the tough guy bullshit … I am a 33 year old and have never had a real relationship in my life. I can’t even slow dance.” Well, damn. He goes on and on and on with this bizarre psychobabble about being in love with some chick who left him and then suggests that the FBI listen to Michael’s song “Dangerous” for clarity. I did, and all I know is that that beat is still tight. Go on, Teddy Riley, with yo bad self!
• Only when you finish scrolling through all 190-something pages do you realize that the woman he is talking about is Janet…Jackson. (I take that part about the FBI being good at redacting back. They redact her name from the entire file, I assume because she is named as a “victim,” to only to have newspaper articles on the guy’s two year jail time attached as context. It was like the WTF surprise of the year — second to the “Dexter” Season 4 finale, of course.

As for his other files, squarely built around child molestation charges, this is all I have learned:

• When he applied for his CA state drivers’ license, he is smiling in his photo like he took it in a photo booth at Neverland. He claims to be 5’9” and 120 lbs. (That bitch!)
• He owned 16 Macintosh computers that were seized and FedEx’d to the FBI in VA to be analyzed for naughty stuff. Nothing came up in the search. And not one PC in the place! One head hancho wrote a thank you note to another head hancho to acknowledge their professionalism and performance in getting back the results quickly. Tax payers paid for THAT?
• He had one Sony “forth generation” VHS tape that potentially had kiddie porn on it seized and studied. Forth generation means it was a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy. The quality was so bad — that of an FBI agent’s penmanship — that it was kind of a waste of time. The title on the label? “Michael Jackson’s Neverland Favorites An All Boy Video Anthology.” Yikes.

So, what does all this mean? Well, not a whole lot.

1. The Clarice Starlings and medical school students of the world should pow wow and agree upon having legible handwriting, cause that’s just not right. How can people so smart not be able to write clearly?
2. Only what I could imagine to be obscene amounts of money was spent on the FBI most likely listening to “PYT” demos from circa 1981.
3. MJ was most definitely a Mac.
4. Remember VHS tapes?

What I got from this is that that bitch in the ring Samara or whatever picked a bad medium because if a forth generation tape is unwatchable for kiddie porn then that twisted girl’s creep show video is just going to be static in under four weeks….you know because she only gives you a week to copy it.